I would like to start this off with a great big thank you to many of you who emailed me to see how I was doing - I apologize for not returning most of the emails, I was working off my phone and writing back took more concentration than my little head could handle.
For the past month I have been a resident of Mass General's Blake 11 unit - this is their psychiatric ward. I was there to get "medically stable" enough to go to another hospital (which I start today @ 9:00) to work on my anorexia... Yes it took me 4 weeks (minus a couple of days to admit that I have an eating disorder). When I left my house that morning I little knew that I wouldn't be coming home for 4 long weeks... I am not sure that this will be interesting to anyone but maybe it will help somebody to think hard before they harm their body (so basically this is just a therapy session for me - but heck these days I am the queen of therapy). So this is my story (Feel free to ignore or throw away)
I have always had an issue with food - we have never been friends, I was always either eating it like there was no tomorrow or restricting it to strongly. But for a long time it was okay - we were surviving with this love hate relationship. Then in January Mom left and I lost control of everything - well everything except for what went in my mouth which was nothing but liquids - clear liquids to be exact. And I existed on this for over 8 months, but a routine visit to my doctor changed that - my blood levels were critically low and she gave me an ultimatum (at 9::45 in the morning nobody wants an ultimatum) check myself into MGH by 4:00 or she was going to "Chapter 12" me. Okay... I did what any rationally thinking person would do I said "thank you very much" and I went to work! I had therapy @ 1:00 and I talked with my therapist who wanted to drive me in and I said no I needed to do this one on my own. And then I went shopping - some things never change. I got to Mass General @ 3:00 called my therapist (please note here I haven't called Jim to let him know what's up yet) as he requested and told him I was indeed there but sitting out front I wasn't sure that I could go in. I stayed outside until 3:57 when I got a call from him saying that he had just spoken to my Dr. and she said I had 3 minutes to get in before she had the warrant for me put in place she had already called the judge.
I walked in the doors thinking I would at least check the place out and see how it was... I went to registration and they told me to go right on up to Blake 11 - I got there and talked to the admitting nurse "R" and said okay I guess I will stay I just needed to go get my clothes and laptop from my car - and that my friends is when all hell broke loose! No, you can't leave... You're here. I reply "well I haven't signed anything yet so I will just opt to not do this then" her short answer(and rather cranky in my opinion) was that my labs have already been read there and I am so medically unstable that they could easily have me chapter 12'd (and for some reason I feared this to no end) and then I would lose any rights - so it really felt like my voluntary sign in - WASN'T...
For the first 48 hours I had to wear (what I fondly refer to as the prison garb) a uniform and for the first 2 weeks I had a bed alarm because they were worried I would fall when walking. Anyway back to my clothes I fortunately had a well known roommate who had an even more well known husband and she and he saved the day by him going to my car and getting all my bags (THANK YOU!) so I at the very least had some creature comforts. I called Jim and I let him know that I was in a hospital but as I didn't want any visitors I wasn't going to tell him where. And I cried myself to sleep.
At check in I weighed 87 pounds - I have no idea how much I weigh now because when I got home last night and went to weigh myself I found that (at the E.D. doctor's advise) all scales have been removed from my home but I am thinking that I gained between 15 and 20 pounds. To answer the questions that I would have if someone else were writing this: Yes I do feel fat, yes I would love to run and get some sit ups in, yes I still have a long "weigh" to go before I am there but I am at least on the road. To make this long story shorter (and if anyone has questions please feel free to post them here or email me and I will happily answer them) I spent 3 weeks on an IV and 2.5 weeks on a feeding tube... I did many things I am not proud of (600 jumping jacks in a bathroom leads to supervised bathroom and showers just in case you were wondering), and many things I am proud of (I can say (with a small shudder) that I have an eating disorder - Anorexia if you prefer) I ate my first bite of solid food - applesauce started it all, and I kept true to myself and was as honest as I possibly could be. I made great friends - how weird to make friends on a psych ward, huh? And I got the beginning of what will be a long journey started. Although Blake 11 is the #1 psych ward in the country, Eating Disorders are not their specialty and so once I was "Medically stable" I was able to be discharged and will now go to Walden for what is called a partial hospitalization I will be there daily for the whole day time and will sleep at home - if I slide they will simply keep me there at night. I am hoping to not slide but realize that more than 90% of anorexics go back... I want to beat the odds.
I have done some amount of permanent damage to my body - my heart, my kidneys, my liver, my brain and my bones have all suffered and over the course of the next 6 - 18 months we will know how much of it is permanent and how much is repairable. My hair WILL grow back in as thick as it used to be (promises, promises). And for quite a while to come I will be seeing a Psychiatrist, my Therapist, a Nutritionist, and my Primary Care Doc weekly and if my weight slides I will be going back in - I am putting this all out there basically for self awareness so I can call myself on it. And according to my nutritionist I can expect to hate eating for months to come - it makes my stomach hurt and makes me nervous and sad (actually they prescribed something for me to take before I eat so that I don't get too nervous - gotta keep that heart stable) and I really hate eating on display so please don't be offended or worried if I don't eat in front of you...
Lastly I am working on a support group - my Psychologist says I need to have 5 nonobjective people that I can call when I am having issues so that's my next goal for the week - ohhh yeah that and cleaning the house for the Halloween party...
I wish you all peace and thank you for taking the time to read what is a boring post. I will keep it updated with what happens at the day program if anyone is interested.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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