1 year

So much happens in a year. I remember when I was married a year I was
like "WOW I did X,Y, and Z in the last year - and I have been married
for 52 weeks" and it was a weird thing.

Well today is a different type of anniversary, a year ago today Mom
finished growing her wings and went to live somewhere else. Not ONE
DAY has gone by where I haven't thought of her. I still wait for her
to come home and always think OMG I want to show Mom this when I get
home... And then the kick comes, the one where I remember that there
is no more showing Mom. BUT shortly after that there is the thought
that I can show her everything anytime I want to. I would have loved
to have seen her see Obama get elected, she wanted to live to see
someone other than a WASP in the White House...

I am certain she would have had words of wisdom about the economy (I
am sure part of it would have been "Joy turn down the heat and wear a
coat would you?")

She would have LOVED to know that Ashley is expecting a new baby and
much like me she would have hoped it came on its due date (my
anniversary)

She would be so excited about Cheryl's new siding (yes things like
that were always exciting to her - but the woman could find the good and excitement
in EVERYTHING, and life was just exciting for her) and somehow I think
that the guys would have been in the house 1,000,000 times - she would
have found a reason (Really it would have just been that she was
worried about them getting cold out in the winter air).

She certainly would have loved the new floors, and would have mourned
the loss of Needles with me... She had loved her as long as I had. She
would have been amazed with how BIG Tyler James has become. And amazed
that Alicia is ten and Stef will be soon too...

I feel like so much happened in 2008 that she didn't get to see but at
the same time as much as I miss her I am so glad that she has pain no
more... Those wings took weeks to grow and hurt her while they were
"budding"

Momma most beautiful I miss you a lot - I learned this year that YOU
were my smile and my confidence, but slowly I will find it again... As
you said many times through out the years, "My mother didn't raise
trash" and neither did mine. I too have wings... They are yours... But
(and totally cliche here) you are the wind beneath mine... I love
you!!!

6 Months

It has been a half year (to the very minute) since Mom grew her wings and went to be an angel elsewhere... It feels like 100 years and 5 minutes. The room is still off limits, the jewelry is still locked away, and the pain is still pretty fresh. BUT I have survived and THAT is more than I thought was possible...

I found out yesterday that they are having a fundraiser with 4-H to place a granite bench in her honor at the fairgrounds. In the spot where she always sat - with her name inscribed.

They miss you too Momma

Through my eyes

I try (though I most certainly do not always succeed) to make this a cheerful blog – a place that people can come and read and not leave wanting to harm themselves (or others). For the most part this means I avoid talking about my mom these days. But today I have something to share and it IS cheery and about Mom – mine or yours, it doesn’t matter.

Last night I was talking to a friend who has a sick Mom and has BEGUN the process of realizing your parents’ mortality – this is such a hard thing to do your mom is the person who is always there when the world isn’t. Well I stumbled through offering what support I had (visit often, make memories, remember the person not the disease, and from Dr. H I remembered “Accept her decisions like the lady she brought you up to be”) and she had to go finish dinner so we hung up, literally not a minute had passed when it occurred to me that I hadn’t said to her what needed to be said so I called back and said something like this

“Having your Mom die will suck, there is no denying that. There will be sadness and questioning but there is also this one little glimmer of coolness in it, I never again have to wait to get home to tell Mom I saw the cutest _______ she sees it with me, I never have to call her to tell her to look at the _________ (rainbows and sunsets were my favorite to call for) she enjoys them as I do, I don’t even have to show her the new clothes I bought and tell her the deal I got them on – she is there with me. Mom and I? We share a set of eyes and she sees all that I want to share with her”

Of course this made my friend cry but in a good way (I think and hope). Then I called Robyn and I was telling her this (HEY! I was rather proud of me for this one) and she said that she wished someone had said that to her that it would have made her feel a little less alone and that it was a great way to *look* (pun intended) at it…

I probably won’t have time to write again before the weekend so have a great father’s day and if your Dad isn’t available for a hug I hope you can find something special to share with him through your eyes – a whole new meaning to double vision.

Surfacing (maybe?)

As all of you know who read this blog I have taken some time off due to my world being rocked on it’s side… I am certainly not over losing my mother and suspect that I never will be – and you know what? That’s okay…. I have long said “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” I have so many things I want to talk about… Some of them I will no doubt delete before I post this so I don’t hurt any feelings (that is never my goal)

I want to tell you about my mother, I want to tell you that as everything she did in her life she left this Earth on her terms! Not cancers! I want need to tell you that she told cancer to both Fuck off and go to Hell… All the while making sure I knew that I was loved.

Sunday I woke up and spent the day with mom – not in the “sick bed” kind of way that people would think. I picked her up and carried her teeny little body to the living room and Cheryl, Alicia and I played games – at some point in there I actually commented to Cheryl that I could go on like this forever having Mom in and out and knowing that I could take care of her – I was confident in her pain management by then. Mass General had sent out it’s own doctors and they were working up plans to keep her well and comfy. She was swallowing ice chips and the occasional sip or two of Boost. I really thought she had a couple of weeks left, she was out of her constant sleep and every time someone said I love you to her she replied in kind. She sat in her chair and listened to us play games and we had a great time, just sitting by the fire loving mom and seeing her smile while she slept beside us – it was truly one of those moments where you know that everything in the world is EXACTLY where it should be. Cheryl had brought over some cinnamon apple bread and was heating it up and the scents were wafting through the house… It was living a Christmas carol! Then we got mom all settled in her bed again and they left (well in that we live 109 feet apart kind of leaving ie they were in and out all day) and with NO notice mom’s two best friends stopped by (independently and about 30 minutes apart) to talk to her and let her know they loved her (I am now convinced that she needed this in order to go) she woke up for both of them! Nothing spectacular happened and we went to bed – mom was having little cute birdie coughs that the nurse who had stopped in earlier in the day had shown me how to relax her lungs… A little after 3 AM they got worse and more frequent and I decided to sleep on the floor of her room so that I could cup her back each time she coughed more quickly… Around 7 AM it settled and I decided I would go to work and I got up dyed my hair, took a shower and went downstairs (Jim was with mom meanwhile). Then Jim got ready for work and I hung out downstairs I talked nothingness to mom and just relaxed. Jim left (he had a storytelling show) and I waited for Cheryl and while I was waiting I decided I was staying home – I just wanted to be there to enjoy the glow of the weekend a little longer and Mom didn’t look great – not awful but not great. Cheryl came over (with all her working gear) and I called my boss and IT to set up my VPN. Cheryl and I went in and looked at Mom. C didn’t love how she looked and I couldn’t find the thermometer (found it a little later after I no longer needed it) so I ran to Walgreen’s (called Hospice on the way) and grabbed a thermometer (I found a cool one that you just stick on a persons head) and a bottle of liquid tylenol (just in case) when I got back Mom’s breathing was shallow and infrequent and Cheryl and I took her temp chattering all the way. Cheryl asked her to take a breath a few times and she did and it was good – she regulated and we left her to rest (knowing that hospice was on the way – ohhh yeah I also turned up her oxygen just to give her a little help in that aspect.) I was so not worried about her that I went up stairs to work on getting my VPN set up and about 3 or 4 minutes later I heard Cheryl get up and walk to mom’s room (all of 4 steps so I got up to join her – I am fiercely jealous of anyone getting more Mom time than me) and as I hit the doorway I heard her say “Mom take a breath, Mom BREATHE” and I ran downstairs… And that was it, my life as I know it just ended, and I know that people keep thinking I had tons of warning but really I never thought it would happen… That my mom who was so full of life all of a sudden had none left to give or share, she was gone.

The day was crazy waiting on family to come say goodbye and the hearse and making decisions at the funeral home and friends and family coming over and well Mom wasn’t there – and I know that this aspect should have occurred to me but I suppose that if I am honest I was prepared for her to die but not for her to be dead, it’s so so weird! She is my mother and she is the one who is always there ALWAYS!

The next week was filled with friends and family and cards and flowers and fruit baskets and people being wonderful and it was amazing. The other thing that happened is that people frequently said things they thought was kind and considerate and really it was like a kick in the chest… I have learned so much through all of this, I have watched friends who have just been amazing and friends who don’t know what to do and are just avoiding me and friends who really want to help but don’t know how…

So much has happened since then, friends who have lost loved ones, gotten divorces, spent time in the hospital and really the world has continued to turn, mine isn’t yet… But I have to continue if only for the sake of mom… I wish that you all don’t have to go through this (but know that you probably will in some form or another) and I want you all to know I hope that I can be as wonderful for you as you have been for me.

I want to end this with something more cheery (I am after all “Joy”) so I will tell you that spring is coming and when it gets here I am ready – I have heirloom tomato seeds ready to plant (early May) and heirloom pepper seeds (late April) a watermelon kit that I am pushing and planning on starting on May 1st… And last night while I went to pick up some pellets I saw the coolest thing ever at Lowes so of course I bought it - - An ENTIRE salsa growing kit… Which I know means more tomatoes and peppers but there are also herbs (and I love growing herbs) and some green onions… I. CAN. NOT. WAIT!!! Want salsa?

Please hug your parents and let everyone you love know it…

It's amazing

How much work gets in the way of being a good crafter - I have had this week off (YAY) and in two days I managed to finish an entire poncho for mom's Nurse Practioner's mother. Sound a little far fetched? Well her NP mentioned when I was wearing my poncho that she should really get one for her mom because she broke both of her shoulders and getting a coat on and off was all but impossible... So I told her I would make one, she said no I said "well considering how much you have done for my mom I would love to be able to do something for your mom". I started it on Tuesday the 18th @ about 8:00 and I finished it last night around 11:53... There is at the very very least 16 or 17 hours in this thing and my eyes are crossed from working on it BUT it is DONE! I really wanted her to be able to give it to her mom for Christmas and I can say mission accomplished. As in finished complete and otherwise perfecto! I am so pleased!
So here is a picture for your viewing pleasure





Ironically I now have to go to MGH to deliver it - This was going to be an MGH free week but no such luck...
Oh well!

I am so lucky!

I have wonderful friends and family...

I just want to give you an example of my friends this week:

- Dinners dropped off that lasted the whole week
- Daily e-cards that brought me smiles
- Coming over to put up my Christmas tree
- Emails making sure I am okay!
- Nephews who carry (bridle style) a grammy having seizures
- Coming over to celebrate mom's birthday mid-week
- Celebrating Hannukah with mom during more seizures and not making her feel bad about it!
- Phone calls to make sure I am okay with Hospice (I am not - we'll fix that)

I am so very very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and I am so very very grateful to all of you! You each make the weeks seem so very much more good than bad!

Thank you!

In the nick of time...

I have promised myself I will update once a week... Well it might be 9:03 but I made it :-)

We have had the cutest visitor this last week.
I have named him George (I frequently name things George, Ralph or Henry - don't ask)

He comes for the apples.


Isn't he cute?

I admit to begging Jim to put a bucket of water out there for him - What I can't have a deer as a pet?

Look how easily he "disappears"

Cupcakes to celebrate mom's cancerversary - they held a double duty - I needed to take this picture for a swap I am in

Mom and one of her oldest and "DEEREST" (HAHAHAHAHA) friends!

Last night in review

So I have probably told everyone that once again we are celebrating Christmas in July. Why you ask? Because I can, and who is going to tell me no? Exactly!

So I got home from Trader Joe’s (where they did NOT have frozen risotto but did have “natural defatted peanut butter”) and Mom, Dad, and Jim were on the back porch having hot dogs for dinner (eating on the back porch is our new heaven on Earth) so I grab leftovers from Tuesday night (Veggie tortilla thing from Applebee’s and join them) while we are sitting there we are looking at the card that came in the mail to “the family of Joan Clark” – a sympathy card. Apparently it somehow got announced in church that mom died. She hasn’t for the record… But we got a sympathy card and while it is quite lovely how do I explain to its sender (and everyone else who thinks she is dead) that mom is indeed quite alive and feeling just fine thank you for asking? We had a few fun ideas the current favorite being mom wearing my wedding dress and going to their front door and knocking and when they come to the door have her shout Boo. Yeah in reality I am just going to walk over and explain but this is amusing to me. And on the same topic Katy comes walking in the door where I am in the kitchen reading the sympathy card and laughing so hard I am crying and her face DROPPED she thought granmaw was dead but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t explain that she wasn’t and it just got worse and worse thankfully I pushed her to the back door where mom was sitting playing crosswords with Jim.

Now back to Christmas, Mom got a present in the mail from the lovely and sweet beyond sweet Dawn and here is a picture of my very alive mom with her new stuffy that she has named Frank (why yes she knows the bunny is a girl) – There was a whole theory behind the name but really I brought it down to the woman has brain cancer and that is that!



Lastly tomorrow is Halloween and I hope to have some great pictures (and stories – I am sure there will be one about Christy having had too much to drink and the prank Jim is playing on her! I WANT TO BE ON THE RECORD AS HAVING SAID I DID NOT OKAY THIS PRANK!)

Have a great weekend, stay cool it’s supposed to be HOT!

Vacation

Okay so I might have come back a few pounds heavier but I also came back MUCH more relaxed... *sigh
Evidence of relaxing:


And why I am a few pounds heavier:


The view from our room:

And one of the many crafts we did:
We also made bath salts (seen in the first relaxing picture)
Decoupage plates or frames
Potpourri gel jars

(Mom did not fall on her head though this picture makes it look like she might)


And lastly we did something that required us to look like this:

If you leave a guess in the comments section and guess it right I will put your name in a hat and pull someone's name out... I will send a surprise to that person :-)

All Hallows Eve is coming...

Adult style :-)

July 28th is the date this year. This is one of my favorite holidays of the year (can you call it a holiday if there is nothing holy about it and it's 6 months wrong? Well I am! We are talking about the one time a year that everybody kind of lets their fences down and just has fun... And did I mention it is adult trick or treating (well children too but theirs ends earlier) and the treats are shots of many sorts... I can't wait to have spiked watermelon (Erin you can have my jello shots) and I have learned to love pudding shots (holy cow how good can a drink be?)

Anyway we (somehow I talked Erin into coming - HUGS) are going to have a great time and it will be a good time... Ohhh Erin did I mention there is a contest for best costume by age group... Last year it was won by a man and a dwarf (is that politically correct?) who dressed up as something from Austin Powers and "mini me"... My mom won two years ago dressed up as a hershey bar because she called herself a third of a s'more... I am always some sort of butterfly...

Anyway that is all for today!

My newest little friends...

So yesterday was a great birthday!
Mom's head scans came back clear for cancer growth but the odd actingness does have a cause there is a good amount of swelling on her brain... Silly girl doesn't she know not to let her brain swell! Well anyway meds adjusted and she will be fine :-)
Then I went to work and the system was down so I was able to get some "other stuff" done that I have wanted to do for a while. THEN I went to Marianne's house and had a lovely dinner. AND although she did give me a present (which is so against all the rules) she did it in just the right way. "Ohhhh by the way that eco-system over on the table is for you" said while she was cooking dinner. No pressure... AND I even happy danced! Then I promptly named them! They are Gemma, Resty, Duffy, and Paul...
They are SO cute and I love them so much... So introducing my newest little friends in their ultra cool home!

Flowers flowers everywhere

Here's a few pictures
2 of the baby plants I have grown from seed - forget me nots and tomatoes!
And my Lani turned 50 last weekend and gave me her flowers (how sweet) I haven't finished her gift yet though because I am working on making the beads from polymer clay... I'll get there! And of course I can't help but put in a couple pictures of mom. Look at the cute little stuffie she was sent by one of my swapping friends :-)
And Tyler loved (not) being read to on Easter
And I thought you all mike like to see Punkin again

A fun Tuesday night

In case you were wondering what I was doing Tuesday night here it is!


I got home from work and got a phone call from my sister's friend saying that she had two tickets to that night's game did my mom and Abby want to go the tickets would only be $70 total. The week before mom had said no but this week she said yes...
I talked Jim into driving in with me I figured we could just hang out on Yawkey Way and have a great time. Well when we got in the friend (who owns the sausage cart at gate B) had free VALET parking for us and got Jim and I two free standing room only tickets! He also stocked us full of sausages peppers and onions AND hot dogs AND sodas. So in we went! It was the best time EVER! Here are a few pictures from what was a great evening even if Papelpon bombed!

You have to love Varitek


Such a great shot of Schilling (none of Papelbon though)


We had such a good time