Daily Photo post #16

As I sit down at my computer tea in hand, sweater on, there is no greater reminder to me that fall is on its way. Gone are the warm days of summer - oh hell who am I kidding we didn't have many of those this year at all. But for me one of the easiest ways to tell well autumn is here and winter is only a stone's throw away is my father. Out goes the straw cowboy hat of his summer wardrobe and in runs the heavy grey Stetson of cooler days - and THIS is what greeted me this morning... Welcome autumn! I look forward to your beautiful displays.

Daily Photo post #15

A weed by any other name?

What really is the definition of a weed? Well anyway the neighborhood kid who mows my lawn thinks I am a freak because I always say "don't mow here you might mow down my weeds" but I love these yellow flowers so who cares if I am supposed to douse them in round-up... I will cherish them instead... And yes a weed by any other name WOULD smell as sweet!

Daily Photo post #14

This sign gave me a great laugh - I love when you see signs that say "Here in 1900... Jingle Bells was written etc etc" well this one just literally made me laugh out loud as I walked by. Hope you get a giggle too.

Daily Photo post #13

One of my favorite classes of the fair is club team competition. Here is thedescription of the class:
CLUB TEAM COMPETITION - Horses and Ponies, Clubs can have 1 team each! (Horse = 2 horses & 1 pony or 3 horses);
(Pony = 2 ponies & 1 horse or 3 ponies). To be comprised of three exhibitors from the same club.
Will be judged on 80% performance, 20% uniformity of appointments. And every year a few teams go all out on uniformity this year I really liked the fairies....

Daily Photo post #12

2 flat tires in 2 days meant a tow to the car shop :-(.
1 was a replace and one was a repair
$200 later Misty is all good!

Daily Photo post #11

I could NOT pick just one photo so I am calling this "scenes from a county fair"

This first one is two of my favorite people in this world - my husband and the woman who introduced us - the wonderful Ann Lang.

This next one is the tractor that does the hay rides all weekend long - never mind that I have never actually been on one of those hay rides - I still like the tractor.

This one shows my obsession with antique cars lately and I have been just DYING to take this picture - I dreamt it a few days ago and since then haven't had my phone with me anytime I saw a good car for the pic.

And lastly this one I call the calm before the storm - ring one all set up and ready for the show to begin.

I will have more of these on Sunday but sadly the show has been cancelled for tomorrow due to the forecast - it damn well better pour if one of my 3 favorite days of the year is cancelled.

Daily Photo post #10

You know it is bad when you are outside admiring the patch job the town did on your road - you know it's even worse when you are not alone out there admiring. My street (or we street as we call it in my house) had potholes that were literally deeper than 6 inches... And cars were getting damaged, but because we aren't a town road the town is not obligated to fix them but because we pay town taxes we aren't ALLOWED to fix them (or something like that - liability or something) anyway so we have been going for years with hundreds of DEEP potholes on my half mile road and then yesterday I heard a noise that sounded like a big truck turning in my driveway and so I looked out and it was better than a big truck turning in my drive it was a TOWN TRUCK parking in my driveway while they made repairs to the street! I wanted to go hug them... >---I (that is a martini glass) to my new found friends the town truck guys who have made there way up the Joy chain to the level of the trash boys (which is about as good as it gets in my world)

Daily Photo post #9

This face is my FAVORITE copilot - he helps me get everywhere. Okay maybe the GPS gets us places but he makes the drive far more fun!

Daily photo post #8

Today on the treadmill it occured to me how much treadmills (and all gym equipment) have changed in the last few years before it was speed and incline now there is a TV in there! Sorry for the blurry pic I was walking!

Daily Photo post #7

Every morning I run downstairs open the back door and then let Dobby out of his crate so he can RACE for the door to go to the bathroom - this morning Chin-E thought it would be great to go take a little nappy in Dobby's crate while he was out and was shocked when I caught her in the act.

Daily Photo post #6

Sunday mornings at Starbucks. On Sundays Jim and I try to get to Starbucks - this morning we were polar opposites! He was in shorts and tee shirts and I was in jeans and long sleeves. He got iced mocha coffee and I got hot passionfruit tea but as different as we are we enjoyed our time together to sit relax and to connect!

Daily Photo post #5

Dobby's favorite part of ANY week is Puppy socialization at Petco and this week was no different. He found a cutie little lab puppy to play with. THIS is the most clear of all the pictures I took - - they were a whirlwind of speed :-)

He came home and passed out - puppy happiness!

And for those of you who like kitchen-y items here is a give away
http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/faq/veganism/ccv-in-a-box/test/door-1/up-a-tree/henry/spiralizer-giveaway/#comment-17416

Daily Photo post #4

Lines lines lines! This was the 3rd of 6 lines for "Deal or no deal" auditions at Foxwoods... It is kind of cheating though because I took this picture yesterday! Jim waited in those lines for 6 hours yesterday to find out that he didn't fit the themes they were auditioning for (they do NOT pre-tell you the themes)
College Student (I am SO happy those days are over)
Pageant contestant (nope not him)
Pregnant (NOPE)
and lastly
NY Yankees fan (And thankyouverymuch my husband is not a Yankees fan - his heart lay in Boston)

BUT they did say they were going to keep his info on file if they ever did a "unique jobs" theme search (storyteller)

Daily Photo post # 3

Growth in all things :-)

I have a CUTE little hydroponic grower (I also have the aerogarden) and I just the other day planted it with lavender and we already have growth! This is the first time I have planted "mini" not next to the aerogarden so it could use those grow lights but I wanted flowers on the windowsill and it worked! I am SOOOOOO excited, not sure what I am supposed to do with the lavender once it grows but I can figure that out later!

Daily Photo post # 2

Whirrrrrllllll
zzzzzzzzzzzz
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Root canal!

I hate the dentist - I think everyone hates the dentist but I *REALLY* hate the dentist...

Daily phone photo Day 1

So my cousin (in-law) Norman started a photo a day with his iPhone (don't get me started) on his birthday and I love the idea and kept waiting for a "date" to start it but I realize that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow and there is no reason not to start now...

So here is the first of (hopefully) daily photos.
Norman has committed to a year I am doing it a month at a time :-)

Dobby gets tired after a good play - this one was caused by tug o' war.

Ohhhh the things he learns

I understand now why parents of new babies don't have time to visit or chat on the phone (not that I ever didn't understand before but it really has been brought home to me this week)

Dobby has been home I think 11 or 12 days and it is amazing the things he has learned and also how much I have fallen in love with him....

So far he has learned:
How to walk on a leash without pulling or being dragged (He still has to learn heel and all that but puppy classes start soon)
He is MOSTLY housebroken
How to play fetch

So far he has done:
A fashion show
Gone to puppy socialization classes
Gone on a hike through Great Brook Farms State Forest
Seen a horse (didn't phase him in the least)
Gone on numerous car rides (he likes the car)
Walked up and down the road approx 10 buzillion times
Eaten my favorite sandals (PS I am on the lookout for a pair of tall sandals now)
Planned his great escape (or tried to dig under the fence - which amazes me since he has been alone in the dog run for MAYBE 10 minutes total)
Made friends with Chin-E
Learned to avoid Punkin
been boarded overnight
And mostly stolen the hearts of everyone he meets

A sweet little story about him is this:
We were taking him in to be boarded (we had plans we couldn't change and I just don't trust my father not to lose my dog) and while I was giving the vet tech all his information his leash went slack and so I looked over to see an elderly gentleman holding my dog. I got concerned but Jim gave me the back off face so I did but I thought it was a little weird. Finally I handed Dobby over to the tech and was talking to her a moment (my sister works at this vet clinic) and the man said I am here to pick up Mollie to another tech and off they went with a sad face I thought it was weird until they came back with a nice gift bag and I realized that he was picking up his beloved dog's ashes. Moreover he told me that his baby had been a standard poodle too and she had given him the best 15 years of his life and thanked me for letting him get one more poodle hug - he was pretty sure the timing of us all showing up together was Mollie's final gift to him. One more time Dob had made someone's day such a good puppy

Manna? Presents? Whatever I have lilacs...

Last night I needed a walk and Jim needed some medicine... Great combo as far as I was concerned so I went down to the Walgreens pretty late, or at least late for me walking alone. I left around 9:00 and got home around 10:00. And I was just thinking and listening to my iPod and being pretty zen about life. And feeling SO MUCH BETTER by the time I was back on "we street" that I was happy and as I turned the 2nd to last corner (those who have been on my road know what I mean) I saw something bright white ahead and was shocked since there are no lights on this stretch of the road and there was really no moon last night. So I walked towards it and oddly in the middle of the night in the middle of July in the middle of the road was two perfect lilac stems. I picked them up thinking they were silks (they were THAT perfect) but found their fragrance to prove me wrong. I have no idea where they came from or how they got their but I am so happy they did, as I woke up to their beauty this morning and it is already a better day!

Ahhhh the weather

Here in Boston it has been raining for a while - people say 50 days or whatever and it has most people down in the dumps so I thought I would think about the good aspects of the cold rain that we are living with in June...

I still get to go to sleep with my favorite winter blanket - I love cuddling under a warm fluffy blanket at night - it just isn't the same under a sheet and cover in the summer.

The sound of the rain drops on my skylight as I wake up in the morning.

The rain is culling out all of the weakest tomato plants in my garden and leaving me bushes that are sure to do magic things!

And while we are talking about growing things it is making my lawn green green green and a little long but that is even cool because there is this animal - I think it's a groundhog or a gopher or something else I am probably not supposed to want in my back yard that comes to visit every day and he just eats some grass and slowly ambles off and I just love looking out the window trying to find him...


It let Chin-E and I have a nice walk ALL BY OURSELVES on Sunday morning - nobody else wanted to deal with the rain and she and I decided we wouldn't melt with a little rain - though I will admit her leash kind of did and she was dyed a lovely hot pink for the rest of the day.

And lastly -

It will make us appreciate the warm sunny weather all the more.

Do you have any reasons to be grateful for the rain... A prize randomly chosen on Friday to everyone who replies with a good rain reason.

There was a farmer who had a dog...

Okay well I am not a farmer and his name isn't Bingo (B.I.N.G.O.) but I am really excited to say that I am a poodle Mama...

Introducing... Dobby! His pedigreed name will be House Elf (Yes, Jim named him, yes I like it)
He was born May 25th (Memorial Day) I am in love with him, I can NOT wait to see his little eyes. I saw him today but he is still closed eyed! I love love love him...

I have waited a long time for my poodle - no I have waited a long time for my standard poodle. And I had always imagined that it would be a white bitch but tis little chocolate boy has stolen my heart - I was holding a black bitch and Jim was falling for this brown boy and quickly I fell for him too. He is looking forward to being a baby (and shamefully I must admit that I *HAVE* bought him clothes) and I am looking forward to babying him... I am hoping to have a meet and greet the end of July. But alas you all don't want to hear my rambling here are the pictures of the man of the hour!


"I was born yesterday"


My 1 week birthday


So shy...


I have a pretty shoulder


Shhh I am sleeping

Who are you owned by?

(LHI chicas let me know what you think)
((This post may not be your cup of tea but it is just where I am at and I was wondering))

The other day I was talking to a friend after another friend of the family passed away and she told me that "the dead don't own us" and it brought to the front of my mind something that has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while.

The thought had originally run through my head when I took a niece to some restaurant with a drive through (can't remember which one though - this was probably in October... I don't see the nieces much anymore these days) and it said "this location is owner operated" and I thought it sounded like "inspected by # 13" (or whatever) BUT it brought to my thoughts who am I owned and operated by? I think at different points in your life you are "owned" by something and right now I am clearly owned and operated by ed... He gets to decide how my days go at this point in my life. I am certain that it is only temporary and I certainly have a great team of people working with me to make sure it is but for now I am owned by him. I recently wrote an entry in my journal about how much ed is a person, he has opinions and demands. He can decide how I am going to live a day without my okay, and honestly if I were reading this I would disagree with me (and say something to the effect of "you are your own person and you make up your own mind on how to deal with your day") but it is odd and true.

But who owns you? Who decides what your days are going to be like? And if you are your own owner how do you manage that and have you ever been owned by a person place or thing (or circumstance)

The way I see it

At my latest addiction (Starbuck's) yesterday I got a cup of Orange Passionfruit tea with splenda and the comment on the cup was:

There is a subtle difference between a mission and a promise. A
mission is something you strive to accomplish - a promise is something
you are compelled to keep. One is individual, the other is shared.
When a mission and a promise are one and the same... that's when
mountains are moved and races are won.

-- Hala Moddelmo
President and CEO
Susan G Komen for the cure

Isn't this a great comment? I love it!

Have a great weekend all!

I don't have a title

The other day I realized it had been a long time since I had blogged and lots has happened in that time. I however have gotten in the habit of journaling so blogging has fallen by the wayside a bit... But I will try to update more often.
I got up this morning and looked at the calendar and realized that this day too is a one year anniversary, a year ago today was Easter and it was also the day that Needles died it was part of the trifecta that made 2008 the year to hate. In that time Comette has become an "only horse" and she loves it... Though I still am not sure she is the horse for me... ESPECIALLY after the fall a couple weeks back, it has been a long time since I fell off a horse and even longer since I was thrown. I don't think I have been so angry at a horse (or myself) in SO long or for that matter forever! But we will survive her and I and hopefully when the warm weather arrives (WHEN IS IT GOING TO ARRIVE?) we will work on manners AGAIN! But anyway this is just a rambling Joy is insane kinda post apparently.
But today I got to day and was backed into, yup by a guy who PANICKED and came running over looking at both cars and asked me if I was okay! I was like dude you were backing how bad can it be...

Well tomorrow I have a new appointment to get rechecked for osteoporosis, lets hope the results come in better this time than the last one... Or I get to take meds for that too (insert rolling eyes here)

Hope you are well

1 year

So much happens in a year. I remember when I was married a year I was
like "WOW I did X,Y, and Z in the last year - and I have been married
for 52 weeks" and it was a weird thing.

Well today is a different type of anniversary, a year ago today Mom
finished growing her wings and went to live somewhere else. Not ONE
DAY has gone by where I haven't thought of her. I still wait for her
to come home and always think OMG I want to show Mom this when I get
home... And then the kick comes, the one where I remember that there
is no more showing Mom. BUT shortly after that there is the thought
that I can show her everything anytime I want to. I would have loved
to have seen her see Obama get elected, she wanted to live to see
someone other than a WASP in the White House...

I am certain she would have had words of wisdom about the economy (I
am sure part of it would have been "Joy turn down the heat and wear a
coat would you?")

She would have LOVED to know that Ashley is expecting a new baby and
much like me she would have hoped it came on its due date (my
anniversary)

She would be so excited about Cheryl's new siding (yes things like
that were always exciting to her - but the woman could find the good and excitement
in EVERYTHING, and life was just exciting for her) and somehow I think
that the guys would have been in the house 1,000,000 times - she would
have found a reason (Really it would have just been that she was
worried about them getting cold out in the winter air).

She certainly would have loved the new floors, and would have mourned
the loss of Needles with me... She had loved her as long as I had. She
would have been amazed with how BIG Tyler James has become. And amazed
that Alicia is ten and Stef will be soon too...

I feel like so much happened in 2008 that she didn't get to see but at
the same time as much as I miss her I am so glad that she has pain no
more... Those wings took weeks to grow and hurt her while they were
"budding"

Momma most beautiful I miss you a lot - I learned this year that YOU
were my smile and my confidence, but slowly I will find it again... As
you said many times through out the years, "My mother didn't raise
trash" and neither did mine. I too have wings... They are yours... But
(and totally cliche here) you are the wind beneath mine... I love
you!!!

Dates that change our lives...

Are there dates in your life that have changed it forever?
The day you got married perhaps?
The day you found out you were pregnant?
The day you lost someone you cared about?
The day you graduated High School or college?

Well 10 years ago today my life was changed and I didn't even know it for a week! 10 years ago today my niece and dearest friend Christy had a beautiful baby girl and 7 days later she told me about her. I was devastated that at 18 my niece was now a mom... I was certain her life was ruined forever. I prayed for Alicia to disappear, to be eaten by the universe, to just go away. Christy was so proud of her little bundle and wanted to share her with me, she said "Aunty, it's important - get to know her" I took her to the movies at 13 days old. I took her to see "10 things I hate about you" because there were so many more than 10 things I hated about this, this thing that had invaded MY life... Well if you have seen the movie you know that it ends happily and so has my relationship with Alicia... A bassinet changed how I looked at her and we have been close ever since.
She has changed me, and I have helped to mold her... I want to be able to take some credit for the amazing human she is turning into... I want to feel I had a hand in it.
We have certainly had our ups and down Miss Bella and I.

~I taught her to read - her first word was life... I told her I was amazed by her that life was hard.
~She taught me to make balloon animals!
~She gave me her foot!
~I held her as they put in an IV for an emergency surgery (the docs gave ME drugs to survive this - Christy was as cool as a cucumber)
~We cried together when her father and Great grandmother died
~We were at the carnival when her Grandpa Florida died
~Did I tell you she gave me her foot?
~She threw flowers at my feet at my wedding
~We spent MANY hours throwing golf balls in the river at Richardson's (we were "playing mini golf" really we just paid and walked around throwing the balls in the river and retrieving them)
~Yup she gave me her foot!
~She saw Mimi
~She has given me more hugs than probably anyone else alive
~She has enriched my life and taught me to love in more ways than I ever knew possible.
~And yes she gave me her foot...

Today she is 10 - and 10 years ago today I was given a present, a very real present... The future, and it's one I can believe in!

Happy birthday JaBell I love you so very much and if it takes the rest of my life I will make it so you know because I don't want to have to tell you I love you more than you will ever know!

End of year meme

Yup another one - we all know that there isn't a meme I don't love!!!

40 Questions about 2008: An End-of-the-year meme

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Learned to Double crochet (thanks Elsa – PS in my book I am reading now there is a character named Elsa and she is a little girl so in my mind’s eye I have made her a young you)

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did and I probably will.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don’t think so I think everybody had them in 2007 or will have them in 2009.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yup thus 2008 = the year to hate.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Sanity.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
January 28th

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The fact that I earned the title “posterchild for how not to grieve”.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yup.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My PT Cruiser.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
This sounds like a cop out but quite a few people who just were (and are) amazing.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
A few people but I am not dwelling on them, they don't deserve my thoughts :-)

14. Where did most of your money go?
The house

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My nieces they continue to amaze and inspire me!

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2008?
Going through hell

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Sadder.
2. Thinner or fatter? I am going to take a pass on this one
3. Richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Found the good in life, and taken care of friendships

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Been depressed.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Haven’t spent it yet but will spend it with Jim at the movies.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Probably Joey

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I have no cheesy answer so I will say no

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Ace of cakes…

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Heck yeah

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Twilight

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Robert Plant and Allison Kraus

28. What did you want and get?
A new car

29. What did you want and not get?
Christy to live on “we street” - come on Christy there is still time to make this bump up one to the want and get category...

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Wall-E

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I honestly can not remember my birthday this year – I am pretty sure I worked!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having Mom

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
“Prison garb”

34. What kept you sane?
Clearly nothing hence the prison garb

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
By fancy you mean???

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Elections

37. Who did you miss?
Mom, Needles, Tiki, Louise

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I think Louisa

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
That not all friendships are meant to last

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
And their memory’s like a train
You can see it getting smaller as it pulls away
And the things you can’t remember
Tell the things you can’t forget that
History puts a saint in every dream

Congratulations Snoppy

We all know I have somewhere in the vicinity of 1,000,000 nieces and nephews so I am frequently proud of one or another for SOMETHING (and yes breathing frequently can be that something) but last weekend Stefanie AKA Stefanopolis AKA Snoppy and her cheering team did an amazing job at the state competition and have moved on to regionals. So on November 22nd if the Methuen "B team" is in the first two of their division she will head down to DISNEY to compete in nationals (I told her if she is competing in Disney she can bet her favorite aunty will be there) so send some good luck thoughts to her and meanwhile check her out with her trophy (and missing teeth - I hadn't seen her in a couple months so the no teeth thing was making me laugh)

And she's out...

I would like to start this off with a great big thank you to many of you who emailed me to see how I was doing - I apologize for not returning most of the emails, I was working off my phone and writing back took more concentration than my little head could handle.

For the past month I have been a resident of Mass General's Blake 11 unit - this is their psychiatric ward. I was there to get "medically stable" enough to go to another hospital (which I start today @ 9:00) to work on my anorexia... Yes it took me 4 weeks (minus a couple of days to admit that I have an eating disorder). When I left my house that morning I little knew that I wouldn't be coming home for 4 long weeks... I am not sure that this will be interesting to anyone but maybe it will help somebody to think hard before they harm their body (so basically this is just a therapy session for me - but heck these days I am the queen of therapy). So this is my story (Feel free to ignore or throw away)

I have always had an issue with food - we have never been friends, I was always either eating it like there was no tomorrow or restricting it to strongly. But for a long time it was okay - we were surviving with this love hate relationship. Then in January Mom left and I lost control of everything - well everything except for what went in my mouth which was nothing but liquids - clear liquids to be exact. And I existed on this for over 8 months, but a routine visit to my doctor changed that - my blood levels were critically low and she gave me an ultimatum (at 9::45 in the morning nobody wants an ultimatum) check myself into MGH by 4:00 or she was going to "Chapter 12" me. Okay... I did what any rationally thinking person would do I said "thank you very much" and I went to work! I had therapy @ 1:00 and I talked with my therapist who wanted to drive me in and I said no I needed to do this one on my own. And then I went shopping - some things never change. I got to Mass General @ 3:00 called my therapist (please note here I haven't called Jim to let him know what's up yet) as he requested and told him I was indeed there but sitting out front I wasn't sure that I could go in. I stayed outside until 3:57 when I got a call from him saying that he had just spoken to my Dr. and she said I had 3 minutes to get in before she had the warrant for me put in place she had already called the judge.

I walked in the doors thinking I would at least check the place out and see how it was... I went to registration and they told me to go right on up to Blake 11 - I got there and talked to the admitting nurse "R" and said okay I guess I will stay I just needed to go get my clothes and laptop from my car - and that my friends is when all hell broke loose! No, you can't leave... You're here. I reply "well I haven't signed anything yet so I will just opt to not do this then" her short answer(and rather cranky in my opinion) was that my labs have already been read there and I am so medically unstable that they could easily have me chapter 12'd (and for some reason I feared this to no end) and then I would lose any rights - so it really felt like my voluntary sign in - WASN'T...

For the first 48 hours I had to wear (what I fondly refer to as the prison garb) a uniform and for the first 2 weeks I had a bed alarm because they were worried I would fall when walking. Anyway back to my clothes I fortunately had a well known roommate who had an even more well known husband and she and he saved the day by him going to my car and getting all my bags (THANK YOU!) so I at the very least had some creature comforts. I called Jim and I let him know that I was in a hospital but as I didn't want any visitors I wasn't going to tell him where. And I cried myself to sleep.

At check in I weighed 87 pounds - I have no idea how much I weigh now because when I got home last night and went to weigh myself I found that (at the E.D. doctor's advise) all scales have been removed from my home but I am thinking that I gained between 15 and 20 pounds. To answer the questions that I would have if someone else were writing this: Yes I do feel fat, yes I would love to run and get some sit ups in, yes I still have a long "weigh" to go before I am there but I am at least on the road. To make this long story shorter (and if anyone has questions please feel free to post them here or email me and I will happily answer them) I spent 3 weeks on an IV and 2.5 weeks on a feeding tube... I did many things I am not proud of (600 jumping jacks in a bathroom leads to supervised bathroom and showers just in case you were wondering), and many things I am proud of (I can say (with a small shudder) that I have an eating disorder - Anorexia if you prefer) I ate my first bite of solid food - applesauce started it all, and I kept true to myself and was as honest as I possibly could be. I made great friends - how weird to make friends on a psych ward, huh? And I got the beginning of what will be a long journey started. Although Blake 11 is the #1 psych ward in the country, Eating Disorders are not their specialty and so once I was "Medically stable" I was able to be discharged and will now go to Walden for what is called a partial hospitalization I will be there daily for the whole day time and will sleep at home - if I slide they will simply keep me there at night. I am hoping to not slide but realize that more than 90% of anorexics go back... I want to beat the odds.

I have done some amount of permanent damage to my body - my heart, my kidneys, my liver, my brain and my bones have all suffered and over the course of the next 6 - 18 months we will know how much of it is permanent and how much is repairable. My hair WILL grow back in as thick as it used to be (promises, promises). And for quite a while to come I will be seeing a Psychiatrist, my Therapist, a Nutritionist, and my Primary Care Doc weekly and if my weight slides I will be going back in - I am putting this all out there basically for self awareness so I can call myself on it. And according to my nutritionist I can expect to hate eating for months to come - it makes my stomach hurt and makes me nervous and sad (actually they prescribed something for me to take before I eat so that I don't get too nervous - gotta keep that heart stable) and I really hate eating on display so please don't be offended or worried if I don't eat in front of you...

Lastly I am working on a support group - my Psychologist says I need to have 5 nonobjective people that I can call when I am having issues so that's my next goal for the week - ohhh yeah that and cleaning the house for the Halloween party...

I wish you all peace and thank you for taking the time to read what is a boring post. I will keep it updated with what happens at the day program if anyone is interested.

“Remembered”

In 1993 I was an exchange student to Costa Rica. During those weeks I learned a lot; about Latin America, about The United States, and about myself. Before I even boarded the plane to CR, I was already a changed person. That change occurred in our briefing in DC, we went on a few “field trips” (they called them life missions) and each of them was amazing but for me none was moving and changing than the Vietnam Memorial Wall. I remember so well walking from the hustle and bustle of Washington into the area and a coolness came over me – I think it came from the silence, there were thousands of people there and yes I could hear my feet stepping lightly down, I could hear the breath expelling from me, I could hear the sadness. I looked at that wall, I saw the names, I saw my own reflection. I saw people I was with find their loved ones names and take a rubbing – all they had left of them was a piece of paper and a name, it just wasn’t enough. I left that memorial a different person than the one who went in, before I didn’t understand how many people had died for my freedom and after that I had a closer grasp on it. Of everything I experienced on this trip this is one thing I will always remember

Fast forward 15 years and Wilmington was hosting the Moving Wall and I debated if I was going to go, I had my memories and what if it disrespected them? What if it didn’t honor those who were now “my guys”? What if I had changed again and it just didn’t move me?

Well this is the weekend, September 18 – 22 the Wall will be on the common. This morning I got up early and did my workout and set off to the see the exhibit, it was amazing! It was just right… I parked a bit away and walked up and realized that my idea of going early so nobody would be there had a flaw, the high school is attached to the common and the students were there in force. At first sight I was so disappointed that I wasn’t going to get the wall to myself and then I realized something. The sound, well there wasn’t any. The students were silent as the looked at the wall, there was no games, no laughter, no sideline conversations, no cell phones, nothing – and on many of those faces I saw it happening (no it wasn’t happening in DC but in Wilmington) they were changing, their lives were changing right there. For them September 19, 2008 is a day that they will never forget…

Across the street in the 4th of July Building there is a small exhibit of art and photos by Vietnam Vets. Photos taken while they were there and paintings of their memories – it amazes me the light and happiness these paintings express – this is not doom and gloom, dire and death, THIS is life after hell – a life fought for is a life worth living.


The the photo and art exhibit their were a # of photos of the Vietnamese and all of them taken in a good light not at all in a "we want to kill you" attitude

This poem is amazing I am not sure if you can read it - but I wish it said who the author was

This is a photo of a Buddhist cemetary

The layout of all the artwork - it was amazing

Friends - and so much more

"Changed"

I have almost this exact photo of me from 1993

The view

The beginning

A reminder of respect

How long it stretches

So beautifully done

The shirt of a local lost - sad

Those aren't just names, they are people who died for what their government told them to fight for. Whether you believe in Vietnam or wars in general you have to be moved by these people who did what they were ordered to do to the best of their abilities!

What a backdrop

Nope - not going there

So Jim and I have talked forever that the worst thing would be for Mom, Needles, and Tiki to die the same year. We called it the “trifecta” of Hell. Well that hasn’t happened yet BUT Tiki has been missing since Friday. She was an outdoor cat before we got her and there was never any changing that about her. Well recently we have been seeing wolves in the yard and have been refusing to let her out at night (for her own safety) and well she got out late Thursday night (technically Friday morning) and we haven’t seen her since.

The ironic part of all this is that Tiki was owned by someone who abused her and allowed his kids to treat her worse than I would treat a doll. After the fire he came back looking for her (I would like to add in that it was well over 2 weeks later) and I had already fallen deeply in love with this kitty (and he hadn’t even named her) and had to keep her so when he asked if I had seen that “Coon cat” I said no (hoping all the while she would just stay quiet as she was in the room next to us) and he went off muttering about the money he lost because he was going to breed her (ummm no you weren’t I had already spayed her by that point) and that was the end of that.

Fast forward to Friday and I get a phone call that he had died at an interview and the wake was that night (although I didn’t like him as a person he still is the brother of one of my sister’s best friends) so I stopped in and quickly paid my respects and went on my way home – where Jim told me he couldn’t find Tik and that begins this story…

So if you could send a prayer or 20 to her coming home – I would sure appreciate it! I miss my kitty.

Friday Fill-ins

To grab it for your blog go here

1. I enjoy SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS, WARM DAYS, MY HORSE’S COMPANY AND MOSTLY CUDDLING WITH JIM.

2. FRIENDSHIPS is something I wonder about often lately.

3. In your heart, you knew THAT JIM WAS MEANT FOR ME FROM THE MOMENT I MET HIM.

4. Take CHRISTY, add a little RODEO and you end up with A NIGHT TO BE REMEMBERED (EVERYTIME IT HAPPENS).

5. Life has gifted me with SO MANY THINGS – HOW ON EARTH DO I PICK JUST ONE? I WILL SAY A GREAT FAMILY

6. A MASSAGE is an instant vacation.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to MY IN LAWS ARE COMING OVER AND I AM MAKING THEM DINNER – THEY ARE COMING OVER TO HELP DO THE PATIO THAT JIM IS MAKING, tomorrow my plans include BARN, BILLERICA HOMECOMING, AND MOVIES and Sunday, I want to DO A WHOLE LOT OF NOTHING – BUT REALLY I WILL BE CLEANING OUT MOM’S ROOM AFTER THE DOG BED INCIDENT IT IS TIME!

Have a great weekend!

It's a beautiful thing

I *of course* mean Cameron (though he would probably prefer I call him handsome than beautiful) but I also mean having my computer, sim card and card reader all together so I can post this :-)

Okay so admittedly it's been a while (think like 4 or 5 weeks) but this summer I got the pleasure of going down to Weymouth and seeing Danielle, Craig and Cameron. OMG how cute is that kid? He will play ball with you all the day long. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when kids are this age, old enough to play with and still young enough to be mesmerised by the littlest things.

Look at that face! *This is the face I walked into - I was surprised how quickly he was friendly and playing with me, he loaded me up with balls. AND the kid is smart he can tell you which ball is which color.


Little man on a little truck *I love little kids on their ride on toys


He is such the little ham but seriously so cute


He has a serious side too, you know


Yummy! I am a big kid Momma I can feed myself. *I was shocked at what he likes to eat and that he tries new stuff - he was trying hummus when I was there, he wasn't too sure about it though. It took me a few tries to love hummus too.


I swear that I think this picture just is so the little boy that I met that day, adorable, charming, and silly


Just chillin - letting it all digest before I go back for seconds.

Bye Cameron, thanks for letting me come play with you and I hope I see you again sooner next time!

Friday Fill Ins

So this week the Friday fill in is definitely bizarre (apparently they are song lyrics) so I couldn't come up with anything good - not to mention I am sleep deprived

1. If I was to walk into your life, I WOULD WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS.

2. Catch a bright star and place it NEAR YOUR HEART AND TREASURE IT ALWAYS.

3. And you can send me TO THE MOON.

4. I AM WORKING AT IT but I'm dealing with a memory that never forgets.

5. I'm the innocent bystander / Somehow I got stuck WAITING FOR SOMETHING NEW.

6. What's keeping us apart isn't selfishness, IT IS STUFF YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to WELL SINCE IT IS 4:15 AND I AM AWAKE WITH A TOOTHACHE I AM NOW HOPING TO SEE A DENTIST - OTHERWISE A GOODBYE PARTY FOR SOMEONE I WORK(ED) WITH, tomorrow my plans include CULTUREFEST IN LOWELL AND MY SATURDAY WALK (THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THE WEATHER SAYS I WILL BE DOING OTHER THINGS) and Sunday, I want to VISIT JOEY AND WE ARE SCHEDULED TO DO A WALK FOR ANEURISMS!

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/