I would like to start this off with a great big thank you to many of you who emailed me to see how I was doing - I apologize for not returning most of the emails, I was working off my phone and writing back took more concentration than my little head could handle.
For the past month I have been a resident of Mass General's Blake 11 unit - this is their psychiatric ward. I was there to get "medically stable" enough to go to another hospital (which I start today @ 9:00) to work on my anorexia... Yes it took me 4 weeks (minus a couple of days to admit that I have an eating disorder). When I left my house that morning I little knew that I wouldn't be coming home for 4 long weeks... I am not sure that this will be interesting to anyone but maybe it will help somebody to think hard before they harm their body (so basically this is just a therapy session for me - but heck these days I am the queen of therapy). So this is my story (Feel free to ignore or throw away)
I have always had an issue with food - we have never been friends, I was always either eating it like there was no tomorrow or restricting it to strongly. But for a long time it was okay - we were surviving with this love hate relationship. Then in January Mom left and I lost control of everything - well everything except for what went in my mouth which was nothing but liquids - clear liquids to be exact. And I existed on this for over 8 months, but a routine visit to my doctor changed that - my blood levels were critically low and she gave me an ultimatum (at 9::45 in the morning nobody wants an ultimatum) check myself into MGH by 4:00 or she was going to "Chapter 12" me. Okay... I did what any rationally thinking person would do I said "thank you very much" and I went to work! I had therapy @ 1:00 and I talked with my therapist who wanted to drive me in and I said no I needed to do this one on my own. And then I went shopping - some things never change. I got to Mass General @ 3:00 called my therapist (please note here I haven't called Jim to let him know what's up yet) as he requested and told him I was indeed there but sitting out front I wasn't sure that I could go in. I stayed outside until 3:57 when I got a call from him saying that he had just spoken to my Dr. and she said I had 3 minutes to get in before she had the warrant for me put in place she had already called the judge.
I walked in the doors thinking I would at least check the place out and see how it was... I went to registration and they told me to go right on up to Blake 11 - I got there and talked to the admitting nurse "R" and said okay I guess I will stay I just needed to go get my clothes and laptop from my car - and that my friends is when all hell broke loose! No, you can't leave... You're here. I reply "well I haven't signed anything yet so I will just opt to not do this then" her short answer(and rather cranky in my opinion) was that my labs have already been read there and I am so medically unstable that they could easily have me chapter 12'd (and for some reason I feared this to no end) and then I would lose any rights - so it really felt like my voluntary sign in - WASN'T...
For the first 48 hours I had to wear (what I fondly refer to as the prison garb) a uniform and for the first 2 weeks I had a bed alarm because they were worried I would fall when walking. Anyway back to my clothes I fortunately had a well known roommate who had an even more well known husband and she and he saved the day by him going to my car and getting all my bags (THANK YOU!) so I at the very least had some creature comforts. I called Jim and I let him know that I was in a hospital but as I didn't want any visitors I wasn't going to tell him where. And I cried myself to sleep.
At check in I weighed 87 pounds - I have no idea how much I weigh now because when I got home last night and went to weigh myself I found that (at the E.D. doctor's advise) all scales have been removed from my home but I am thinking that I gained between 15 and 20 pounds. To answer the questions that I would have if someone else were writing this: Yes I do feel fat, yes I would love to run and get some sit ups in, yes I still have a long "weigh" to go before I am there but I am at least on the road. To make this long story shorter (and if anyone has questions please feel free to post them here or email me and I will happily answer them) I spent 3 weeks on an IV and 2.5 weeks on a feeding tube... I did many things I am not proud of (600 jumping jacks in a bathroom leads to supervised bathroom and showers just in case you were wondering), and many things I am proud of (I can say (with a small shudder) that I have an eating disorder - Anorexia if you prefer) I ate my first bite of solid food - applesauce started it all, and I kept true to myself and was as honest as I possibly could be. I made great friends - how weird to make friends on a psych ward, huh? And I got the beginning of what will be a long journey started. Although Blake 11 is the #1 psych ward in the country, Eating Disorders are not their specialty and so once I was "Medically stable" I was able to be discharged and will now go to Walden for what is called a partial hospitalization I will be there daily for the whole day time and will sleep at home - if I slide they will simply keep me there at night. I am hoping to not slide but realize that more than 90% of anorexics go back... I want to beat the odds.
I have done some amount of permanent damage to my body - my heart, my kidneys, my liver, my brain and my bones have all suffered and over the course of the next 6 - 18 months we will know how much of it is permanent and how much is repairable. My hair WILL grow back in as thick as it used to be (promises, promises). And for quite a while to come I will be seeing a Psychiatrist, my Therapist, a Nutritionist, and my Primary Care Doc weekly and if my weight slides I will be going back in - I am putting this all out there basically for self awareness so I can call myself on it. And according to my nutritionist I can expect to hate eating for months to come - it makes my stomach hurt and makes me nervous and sad (actually they prescribed something for me to take before I eat so that I don't get too nervous - gotta keep that heart stable) and I really hate eating on display so please don't be offended or worried if I don't eat in front of you...
Lastly I am working on a support group - my Psychologist says I need to have 5 nonobjective people that I can call when I am having issues so that's my next goal for the week - ohhh yeah that and cleaning the house for the Halloween party...
I wish you all peace and thank you for taking the time to read what is a boring post. I will keep it updated with what happens at the day program if anyone is interested.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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24 comments:
Joy, I'm so PROUD of you!!! I can imagine how incredibly difficult this has been for you and I applaud your strength and honesty. I totally believe that sharing difficult things can help keep you on track so good for you. I will always be here if/when you need to talk. You are beautiful and will always be...at any weight.
Best of luck Joy. It's been a tough road for you this year yet you are always so strong for others. I am glad you are taking care of yourself. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Big hugs.
Joy, my dear. I'm so very proud of you for taking control of the situation. I've been so scared for you, and am so relieved that you are doing what you need to be doing to get better.
((hugs))
Danielle :)
Joy, you have my undying respect for doing something so, so courageous. I can only imagine how difficult just walking into MGH must have been.
Please know we are all rooting for you and you are very loved.
I am so proud of you for having the strength to confront your problems and to share your experience. I am here for you if you need anything. Don't hesitate to call.
Joy, you are in my prayers still. I'm so proud of you for doing what is needed for your to get healthy and enjoy life. No doubt, it is a long road ahead, but you can do this. One day... and then, the next.
Joy honey - I am so proud of you for going in a getting help in order to make yourself healthy again. It sounds like you have many people around you that will insure your success in treatment. If you ever need anything, please please let me know - Love you very much, dear!
Joy, I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. I am amazed at your strength - that you were able to put this out there in black and white. That must have been a tough step to take. I hope that you continue on the road to recovery. You have a lot of friends rooting for you.
Joy, I am VERY proud of you. You have no idea how good those tears felt last night. I am glad you shared your story with us and I am here for you always! Remember...it takes a stronger person to admit that they need help rather than not asking at all.
My dear Joy,
Words cannot express how unbelievably proud of you, I am! You have come such a long way and from one suffer to another, I know how hard the journey can be with this. As always, I am here for you and you are doing great!!! I am so so so very proud of you!
Joy, my admiration of you continues to grow. You've shown such strength over what has been a really tough year, and entering that hospital alone took extraordinary courage. You continue to be in my prayers, now more than ever. You do so much for others and deserve that love magnified back times a million.
Joy - you are one of the most beautiful, giving persons I have ever met. I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to post this and how much more difficult the past 4 weeks have been for you. Don't apologize for your story, don't think you are boring anyone. We all care about you and want you to recover so your special inner light can shine to its fullest and brightest. You will be in my prayers.
Thank you so much for sharing, and congratulations on taking the first important steps on a long journey. I walked in your same shoes for over a decade and can tell you that through a lot of hard work and the love and support of your loved ones, you can make it to a much better place. I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Please take care of yourself.
Joy - you have so much to be proud of and are stronger than you know. You've always handled difficult situations with grace, and I have no doubt that you'll continue to grow in wisdom and beauty throughout this journey.
Joy, I'm so proud of your strength. We're thinking of you and praying for you! Good luck on this road to recovery. It will certainly be a long process, but we are here for you. lots of hugs to you!!!
Oh sweetie.
Thank you and thank you and thank you for posting, for letting us all know, for being so very brave and writing about this.
I am so happy you're on the road to getting better. You *know* if there is anything I can do, I will.
Thank you for always being honest with me.
Joy, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, but you are a strong person and you will get through this. I will keep you in my prayers!
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Joy, I'm so glad to hear that you have started on your journey to recovery. Lean on us if you need to, we're there for you.
JOY! you know I love you... You know........ I cannot be unbiased or nonobjective! You know I have always had issues with your food issues, because I am not unbiased and nonobjective. I LOVE your strength!!!! I LOVE YOU! God only gives us what we can handle, sometimes it seems too much..but, He is ALWAYS walking beside us..I LOVE YOU!
~Amy, Smitty..
JOy, darling, sweetheart!
I am proud that you decided to get help. I have been thinking and praying for you. I am glad to see that you are home and on the road to a great recovery. Keep it just on day at a time. That's the only way to get through life.
Love ya sweetie,
Wolfmom2ac
dear Joy
My mind will be with you and I'm sure you'll feel better very soon. Love is an energy that cross the world!
Hugs
jacky
Joy, Just wanted to let you know that you continue to be in my thoughts, and I hope things are going well for you! Take care,
Sarah
We never had a proper race on the rolling IV drip stands. The challenge remains...
P.S. I'm waiting for fondue. Hurry the heck up!
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